- Is about five inches long from head to rump, which is the EXACT height of the jar of salsa I am currently quadruple dipping into. Bowls are for suckers.
- Has begun to develop the all-importantadipose tissue — more affectionately known as baby fat.
- Is hard at working transforming its skeleton from soft cartilage into solid bone. Get this baby a part on Heroes.
- Possibly feel immensely huge and very pregnant, but your bump probably isn’t as noticeable as you think it is. People may hesitate to comment or miss it completely, like the woman last night who came up and handed me an alcoholic cocktail and seemed genuinely shocked when I politely refused it, despite the fact that I feel like my belly eclipses my shoes at this point.
- “Normal” weight gain at this point can be anything between five and 13 pounds, although y’all know how I feel about the word “normal.” One book I read this week advised any woman who has gained more than 13 pounds to see a nutritionist and “be more careful”, while my doctor COMPLIMENTED me last Wednesday on not managing to gain a single blessed pound yet. I want to stab the world in the eyeballs with a fork right now, a little bit.
Ah, the double-edged sword of baby movement. On the one hand, it’s been a downright fabulous week, what with the regular sensations and acrobatics I’m feeling in my uterus. There really is nothing like it in the world — both wonderful and WEIRD because my lands, there’s a teeny little moving person living inside your body. Biology! Whatever will it think of next.
On the other hand, I’ve just replaced one neurosis with another. Whereas before I would worry that without regular every-other-day-or-so heartbeat checks, my child would simply cease to exist and I would never know. You might think that I would chill out a little once I could feel the baby move, but now I just work myself into a state if I can go an hour without feeling a kick or tickle. It’s all a very efficient system, I think.
We made our first baby purchases this weekend — I waffle wildly between feeling extremely well-prepared thanks to everything we held on to from Noah’s babyhood and feeling OH MY GOD WE STILL NEED SO MUCH DARN CRAP. We don’t, really, and neither do you, but without a baby shower or registry to look forward to I figured it was high time we got to the store for some onesies and burp rags already.
If this is your first pregnancy, it’s probably a little early to start your registry, although it certainly can’t hurt to think about what store you’ll use (TIP! choose one that offers online registry management and ordering, but also has an actual local store for easier exchanges and hands-on inspections of the bazillion-and-one options) and to start getting advice from friends and online about product recommendations and reviews. Don’t worry, I will have SO MUCH TO SAY about registries and baby gear in the coming weeks, as registry assvice remains my biggest weakness.
(I have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut at baby stores whenever I see a pregnant woman contemplating something either useless or totally fabulous, and I’m always vaguely disappointed that no one just comes up and asks me to help them register. Don’t I look knowledgeable and experienced? Don’t you want my knowledge and experience? Wait, where are you going? Oh hi, store security, I was just…oh, okay. I understand. You’ve warned me about this before. I’m leaving.)